brightness.

help me im unsettled.

whose the bad one? the guy who creates the shit but thinks hes doing us a favour or the guy who knows that shit isnt good and isnt doing anything about it?

you sound pompous and you look pompous.

7:00..carter, i am a hundred and thirty-three years old..

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i feel caught in the middle. where im not not doing anything but at the same time im just settling for adequate. i miss talking. just like a slow song i miss talking. i miss my best friends. i really wanna say on my blog that im dieing to find some one to just sit down with and talk to. but no one says such stuff. since young i was made to think everyone thought like me. i grew up thinking if you were inspired you'd do all you can to continue inspiring.i thought it normal. if you're reading this and your thinking that i've finally grown. i've got two words for you.
i dont mean to say it, but sometimes i do feel that way about life in general. i really always thought that it was only normal.

i was sitting infront of this broken piano. this boy next to me, cute chinese boy. held my hand with my index finger and hit some keys to play a simple tune. it sounded like london bridge is falling down. we were just having so much fun then another one came and sat on my lap and asked me how i played this simple pieces that i did earlier on. Soon, they both left and continued in their own aimless fun elsewhere. i was still on the piano when mrs varella came over and asked if i was joining our class for lunch. for some reason i still cant be entirely myself around her so i just said erm ya i guess. without much expression. but  later on, i found it awkward that she'd invite me to a class lunch she wasnt even going for.



 

1.rear a baby Arowana, this fish is like the graceful gangsters of the tank. i'll do a brilliant job caring for it i swear. when i come home at night i'll go look at it. before i sleep.
2.Long board so i can tear up the long pavements at night with sean(my cousin). i can just imagine right now.with my cap on and everything. 
3.pink boxers for gen, that is if she does get an a for her physics. if she doesnt..probably i still will. haha.
4.consider doing something that i've never had the balls to do. before enlisting. and that is to go meet asha
5.learn teo-chew in two days, hopefully. 
6.go to the zoo
7.go find fr.simon P and talk to him, he's one of the blakcest and most charismatic i've come across. sometimes i cant help but find him scary cos his voice is so loud and he has this tendency to cast the darkest most confident stare. makes his eyes look whiter.
i think the list goes on..or at least i hope it does.



this was first of june 2009. cos one of our climber's boyfriend sort of tweezered of his armpit hairs. and proudly told us of the whole experience ending his story by lifting both arms in gleaming pride.(and yes he was topless)

Dear J1s,

In the hope that the up and coming camp will be as awesome for you as it will be for me, your seniors have kindly prepared a packing list(attached) and some pre-camp instructions. So do take your time to read through and please,oh I beg you please, do the neccessary with all sincerity for what you are about to find out so we can all have a blast of a camp.

Now, your seniors and I really want to get to know each and everyone of you better (yes, including you Feng Mao!) as such, we have planned for a segment during the camp called Show-and-tell. I'm pretty sure the name speaks for itself but in case you're still unsure, let me enlighten your clouded and sad little minds. For show-and-tell you are required to bring something thats close to you, something special, something thats perhaps had great significance in your life. It can be a picture of your favourite pet, your first ever pair of ballet shoes or maybe even remnants of your boyfriend's armpit hair in a tissue box. But please dont bring your own armpit hair, because no one'll be interested. Each participant will come prepared to share about their item for at least 5 minutes. Let me emphasize that everyone is to bring something, if any of you appear for the show-and-tell with nothing the consequences for you and your team shall be dire.

Just to give you a better idea of what you may bring heres a list of bringables and non-bringables. Please be as creative as you can for this one.

-your pet fish
-favourite novel
-your own creation sandwich
-a special talent you possess
-a 5000 word compo. In mandarin!
-picture collage or presentation of your all time favourite band
-a performance of some art you are passionate about

Items not allowed.
-your hair( thats right feng mao, think of something else)
-self potrait
-a piece of grass
-a photo of your shit

 Lastly, your seniors and I have put in great amounts of blood and sweat into preperations and planning  so please bring along your utmost cooperation as well as an apetite for one hell of a wicked sick camp.

Lots of love from your captain.
p.s sorry feng mao, you know im just kidding right? and your packing lists are attached.

as i dwell on caracal's first two new songs..the vibes i get say to me, its time to stop doing well blending into the right blends but its time to start sticking out. -the power of music

perhaps some will understand it more than others but no one will go so far as to do it fully.

there was this soft rattling restlessness to tell my teacher what was on my mind. the opportunity was infront of me on a plate as she stood there in her own matters. not that conveying my emotions would make a difference but the truth is, she was probably the only physical one left who could possibly understand my frustration and care about it. 

its what occurred to me after the incident that's so wild and peculiar that i'll have to try so terribly hard to get it spot on in how i write about it. however i dare not try, cos i just wont do it justice. maybe some day when im really fresh and i'll begin on this again.

One day,  Carl and I are gonna sit down.. and we'll write another song like how we wrote "i wanna go back to cjc" . this one's gonna be called "she thinks im gay".


This is what my gp teacher sent to me"hi ben,take care whn climbng since u didnt get enough sleep last nite and dont gv up on ur clb!" hahaha. she's so awesome.


About a day ago, right after or some time towards the end of my chemistry paper? i had an epiphany, i realised im capable of getting about three A's? i mean, it can be done i just have to work really hard i guess. and so i decided it shall be done. haha. after all, whats the fun in leaving school with C's and B's and an A?


I swear, my brain has this fucking subconcious mechanism that changes my character involuntarily.

Dear reader, just so you know...

I'll be heading to Sisters' Island tommorrow. YAY! Thats right! a day in the remote island with a group of ex servers and servers, oh my word, its gonna be so much fun! i cant wait, seriously i cant. Sister's Island's this small island the size of 2 HDB blocks with zero permanent inhabitants and a whole lotta beach and trees and fun in the sun! Last i heard, the guys built a hammock there and one of em smsed me earlier today? saying "You should have come down tonight. So many stars that you'll lose count"  you see, actually it was a two day escapade but thing is i wanted to study and do some climbing today. so its one day for me man but its okay im still excited. Oh boy! Oh me oh my! finally some good old fun! well, not that i havent been having fun, its just that im so used to the same fun, you know? climbing, music, same friends and stuff? finally im gonna have something different with people i havent met for ages! theres this huge fat indian eurasian man (pretty round and black if you asked me) he's huge but he runs like a speedy gonzales i swear! and they love throwing the biggest joker into the water first and all that nonsense! WHOOHOO! Dear reader, have i succeeded in making you jealous in any way? if so.. YAY! haha. that's right! you better be! i wish i could take a video dairy or something.. haha. whoever you are, you're probably like GEEEZenough already! but who cares! yes i do think i am pretty cool cause im taking the day off two days before my first paper at some island that requirs a ferry ride to get there.

Speaking of the same old fun during the past four weeks(climbing being the only thing worth mentioning that i can remember of now), i've definitely been climbing alot. But this time i've been focusing on high wall endurance unlike the usual bouldering, cos im trying my hardest to prepare for my very last competition which is in july. this being my LAST EVER competition this year, i've been training like a beast! i really wanna do well for this one..thing is, i dont think anyone else really believes? cause the competition's pretty much set on two beyond our league climbers, both of whom have been climbing for 4 years? and their strength far exceeds any of our strongest guys. But nevertheless, anything's possible ya? and hence i've been probably the only one whose been training to win. i think this has been the most focused i've been in the one and a half years and i think my apetite to do well and hopefully win something is so great that i can eat the whole rock wall. i swear i really wanna take advantage of this..my last chance man, time to take some massive action. this time i really believe i can do better than all the other jc climbers with the exception of the two early starters. So what if no one's ever come close to outdoing any of them before? i'll be the first of my kind. or at least i'll come the closest to being that..

I wanna be a superhero when i grow up. find me an occupation that requires coming up with strange solutions to get my ass out of real trouble? that'll be fun.. i kinda discovered im pretty alright at these physical stuffs? like it was so much fun during LTC when we had the high element obstacles and during our rock climbing camp we had things like sumo and high jump. Ya.. I really wanna find a job that'll put my strange monkey like abilities to good use. not so much along the lines of adventure camp and holiday resort trampolene man(whatever you call it) but more of something real you know? help the government as a spy or something. or join the legion. haha. thats so retarded. but seriously i think i've got what it takes! after beating sean's ass at sumo! i think i can do anything in the world. i dont know.. i just wanna do something fun and real. not something with ropes attached. well i guess you could say i've been watching too many little boy movies but whatever man. (like that agent whats his name?) after watching an episode of this documentary about the legion which is actually an elite arms force known to be amongst the best in the world, and there was this high ranking officer talking about how he's led his men and how if he wasnt capable they wouldnt reach a stage where they'd sacrifice their lives at war. And after hearing what he had to say in such humble fashion i just thought it was really cool. Now that i'm still young and naive i wanna try everything thats difficult, everything that requires earning some respect and using some brains when they're really needed. but that doesnt mean i wanna join the commandos la.. i mean, legion's like best in the world fantasy consisting of legionnaires from all over the world, france,england. etc. whereas the commandoes are like.. eee!? i guess they're so close to us that they're not as revered anymore like how we dont get as impressed by one of our kind as much as someone whose new.huh?

just watched the movie Seven Pounds, starring will smith, and i couldnt help but think of how im just becoming less and less afraid of indifference and going with the flow where so many youths are just dwindling in their faith. its scary cos i wanna give a shit but at the same time im just losing it. i really hope with all my heart that it'll come back. its sad to know that something as dear to me as this could wear of like everything else simply cos of who i am. i need help yet im not reaching out for it. once i even smsed a priest asking if i could go see him for abit and i got bored waiting for his reply. by the time he got back to me was already about 2 weeks later(for whatever reason i'll give him the benefit of the adult) and by then i couldnt be bothered cos i had other stuff to do.

anyways, its getting late and i've gotta go pack for sister's island tommorrow morning. if you actually read all the way till here could you drop a comment? im just curious whether people actually still read all this crap. : /

live long and prosper
hisfriend

the air is cranky tonight. i woke with my inerts boiling for a fight. what do you do when theres antimatter in a stone sculptor? im forcing the music in with a face that'll never change. curse the angst and rage just cause im loosing doesnt mean im lost.  the wind will kiss me for a better day. countless times have i felt like cursing the many tiny things that make up my world.

why doesnt youtube have a nice,normal,original version of Pharrell's can i have it like that and prince's kiss?! this is pissing me off. Pharrell is so incredibly cool, Yoji harada is awesome and funneh! and miami ink is the best show in the world.  asha gill is still hot.
 

i just read them.

i dont make the cards i just read them.

for a really old woman aunty ann's mom seems extremely fit and still so alert. i swear she's older than my own grandma whose seventy plus and growing a whee bit senile yet this mama here's talking to us about the different parts of our kway chap and stuff, telling us we that we had just eaten bits cut from a pig's tongue . (since when was there tongue of pig in kway chap?) and after that she staring talking to my aunt about something they did with my mom years ago in parsir ris park. and all in really youthful yet old and somewhat cheerful teo chew. as i was done with dinner i couldnt help but show how impressed i was with her health so i told my aunt " woah your mom is still damn alert ah?" and she was like ya. during the dinner i kept trying to listen to her and figure out what sort of interesting granny facts she was talking about and now that i had said something she was curious to find out. so she looked at my aunty ann and asked, when my aunt had translated my expresssion of awe into teochew she gave a sort of warm ah ma smile and said fit in teochew with a fast shrugging of her withered shoulders, which i cant remember anymore how it sounds like, i smiled back opened my eyes real big and flexed my small-medium bisep and nodded my head while repeating the word which meant "fit" in teochew.

later on i found out that one of the reasons why she's still strong both in the head and body is probably because till today she  still does alot of the cooking and cleaning and stuff.  on our way to the main road from the coffee shop she could even side step away from a trolley's path with rusty agility, how cool is that? and she didnt have any problem following our slightly slower than usual walking pace while holding my cousin,lynn's hand.

as soon as we had reached the main road, i left them to wait for a cab as i continued on towards the bus stop. and i just happened to be looking around at some nearby blocks when i kinda noticed from the corner of my eye that she was the only one among them who seemed to be facing my direction(the rest were looking for a cab) as if she were looking at me while i was walking away. Im not sure what to make out of that, but its funny if she were really looking at me for a last time. what a nice old lady.

we've all been blessed, in one way or another and i cant help but feel grateful. Have i ever mentioned how glad i am to have joined rockclimbing? its probably the best thing thats happened to me in the past year. I first took up the post of captain after a request from mine own capitan! We were just climbing together when one day he came to me and was like "eh i want you to be captain.." I looked at him in abit of shock and replied in my most composed fashion saying "but i just wanna climb and be a happy climber".  Although i expressed my not wanting to take up the role (cause i knew it was a huge responsibility, or at least by my standards it'll always be huge) deep inside i knew that there was no saying no. After all he was the one who inspired the passion in me to climb and push myself more and more. Its hard to describe but he had this innate quality, this natural ability to make his fellow friends like climbing and really feel it. Maybe to put it in words, he simply brought out the best in some of us. And he did it constantly and ever so easily just by being himself. Everytime we hit the boulders he'd be so full of awe at my amatuerish technique and sometimes he'd even set route just for me and no one else. ya that was really cool, knowing that he believed in me and kept asking me to train hard telling me that i had alot of potential. I can tell when a person means what hes saying, and my captain, he meant every word. Even though we always kept things close to the surface, being guys and all, you dont wanna get to nice and open or else it'll just be gay,  ya even though we always kept things at the surface it was nice to know that some one like him existed in college.

And now, something like half a year later, i have resolved that stepping up as his successor was one of the best decisions i've made so far. Like seriously. In order for me to actually lead and ensure that things are being done to bring the club together, I first need the desire to do so, and honestly, i knew it was lacking.  So from the start, i knew i wouldnt perform up to my best partly because Im not sure of what my best is and partly because im just so damn lazy. But i must say, along the way, some people in the club, they really inspired me to do something and be serious about what i have in my hands and what i can do for the club. I remember this one line i said after making up my mind that i'd do something " it take two to make something special, not just me but each and everyone of you as well."  And today, i dare say in all sincerity that we do have something special.

there are some really wonderful people in there, the sort that you wouldnt think would appear in tpjc, some really smart and well of academically, some extremely hardworking and passionate ( even though their journey's been the harshest amongst us all and perhaps the least rewarding cos some people have a brilliant mixture of physical qualities from the start which'd make climbing so much fun while others simply have none)  some simply hilarious and dumb, some with exciting potential, some with huge volumes of heart in them and some with considerable amounts of the skills that kills.
best of all, the journey's not even over yet. and from this point it can only get better, cos theres no way im letting crap fall upon us. brilliant were the ideas that were not mine, brilliant will be the camp thats gonna be unlike any other.

sometimes its hard to talk about the stuff thats bothering, you know? sometimes we're concerned about what we wanna do in live, or hows jc actually related to what you wanna do? for me its like that i guess. before i started jc i kneeled and prayed that everything'd be alright. and i'm not gonna say it hasnt, its just been such a ride for me. i think it works differently for different people, some are just able to do it, to pull themselves through and do  farely well. and at the same time managed to keep nice shoes along the way.. like that Nixon guy, i love his shoes. well thats beside the point. though the most probable truth of the matter is that all of us are gonna get through this whether good or bad, and perhaps along the years ahead we'd look back and think it wasnt that hard. like i said its not entirely the same for everyone, we all got our own journies there, some with tidal like conditions whirling and swirling in their heads others just marching along like its another day in camp and none of this really matters. for me its hard to describe but mines(my journey i guess..) been almost pegged onto my whole self, everything thats made and is making me, my actions, my thoughts, my belief,etc.  there've been times when my actions have caused me to drift far away from my faith, so much so that i feel ashamed that i've gotten myself there. and it feels empty to be there but yet i've come to this place so many times that i see no hope in trying to climb back out again. chances are i'll land myself in this bottomless abyss where things dont actually seem that bad but yet i just know that its affected me in one way or another and time and time again life has just gone on so if its gonna keep going on, why cant i just stay there? as a result of my actions,  i dont feel as strongly for my aspirations anymore but if i dont have my aspirations(or rather my aspiration) then i guess you could say i dont have much at all. yet time and time again i guess things just gotta be. i argue that its not my fault, its because of who i am thats why i do what i do, because of the things down the years that have made me who i am. and trust me i could dwell on this for many more pages but i shant. The good thing is once again after perhaps the most decaying trip around and about and basically away from within, I've finally decided that maybe its time. Its time to find it once again, or rather to hold on and never let go. But the thing is this time if i do let go the fall will be tenfold as disgusting and shameful. yes, hopefully i'll embraces the crests and troughs and i'll have the discipline to hold on. once and for all.

didnt i say dont read?

i dont give a shee!
truth like colour in a spy
grope your descent alibi
hands that move drip drops of pain
crumpled papers  witout a stain
ashram india pooh see me
truth you trust is truth feeley
walk the road to pyschedelhi
dont trip when you hear nabei cb
questionaire rains uncertainty
see you see me muddy entity
crumpled papers left untouched
hands that move drip drops that smudge
thats the cloud philoso-phy sip sweet and cherry anomaly
get on your knee so crudely thee but then again who gives a shee
trust this rainbow in that head
something about morning breath and nutella bread
how the light will shine so great, on this brother of mine who cheeekily said
"i heard your nose was big but that thing gianormous!"
i'd a couple more ideas.but im dead beat. just felt like writing someth after sitting adjacent to the bed for about an hour next to my mom. who was in bed the whole day cos her back hurts. then matthias came by, he blessed my mom with his primary 2 thumb and kissed her goodnight. then i proceeded to help iron some uniforms and